I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
