I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
