My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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