I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
