maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
