Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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