I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
