I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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