i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
