theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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