I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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