HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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