I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
