Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
