did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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