Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
God, I missed his penis.
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