My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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