I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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