if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
be right there i have to get my cape
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
