woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
