Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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