The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He did a backflip because drugs
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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