I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I fill condoms, not promises.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
