Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
