Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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