Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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