Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
