The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
