Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
