If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
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I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
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Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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