I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
