Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
