just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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