I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
