I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
