I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
