My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
