I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
