I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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