There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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