My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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