grandma shit on top of the toilet
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
