I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
