i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You left your phone here
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