Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
