i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
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DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
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Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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