nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Never let your siblings swipe right.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
