im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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