We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
