Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
