Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
