My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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