he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
