you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
