Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Randomize
