She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
