Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
