Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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