I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
